Sweet treats for the literary, the musical, the feminine, and the generally filthy.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Paris, July 2014

"Safety Locks"

She waits in the trunk so
she doesn't have to watch
the animals
rip him to pieces.

"Peterson, North Dakota"

I'm fifty years old and married
for now; no one will hire
a master.

"My Friend"

When they finally pried him off of me,
he left a hickey
and his legs were still moving.


Where rich husbands take
their wives for collagen, silk,
and temper tantrums.


A fly frogswam
in my red and died
on the spoon, but I let
the petal float.

"The Rule"

I forgot my umbrella;
I didn't think I'd be wet.

"Sparkler Dessert"

Tonight is everyone's birthday;
the waiters are pissed.

"Resting Paris Face"

I have never seen a girl
wearing a bow on her head
look so angry.


Women are moving behind glass
the old men tapping
smiles like rotted corn.


Bottles clutter the beach.
I read and record every message.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Humiliation Story #1

I had a crush on a boy in elementary school for several years. He was blonde, blue-eyed and freckled. He was always cracking jokes and doing silly voices. When I confessed to my best friend that I had it bad, she developed a crush on him too, and we began competing.

She eventually began to like his best friend better. His best friend liked her back, and in fifth grade they wanted to go on a date. But because that was still a scary, potentially embarrassing and tricky-with-parents prospect, they secretly convinced the boy I liked to ask me out, so they wouldn't be alone. On the last day of school, the boys approached my friend and I and asked if we wanted to go see a movie. Then they asked what movie we'd like to see. My stomach lurched, because unlike these latchkey kids, I wasn't yet allowed to see PG-13 movies. I was not 13 yet, and my mom would research online even the PG-rated movies I wanted to see. My friend responded immediately, "Lost World, Lost World, Lost World," referring to the "Jurassic Park" sequel that had just come out. I kicked the dirt and said I wasn't going to be allowed to see that, could we pick another? But no. So they went.

I went to figure skating camp for most of the summer, not knowing they had already gone on this date without me. I was just thrilled that I had finally "gotten" my crush. As far as I was concerned, he was now my boyfriend. So I wrote him a letter from camp, expressing my excitement that he liked me, that I had liked him for a long time, and that when I got back from camp we should hang out. I never got a letter back, but then most kids didn't write letters to each other. It was a bold, adult move for me.

When I got home from camp, one of the kids from school had a summer pool party. My best friend was going, as were the two boys. Since my crush hadn't written back, I determined to play it cool, just show up in a sexy-for-middle-school bikini, act fun and hopefully get my first kiss.

I walked over to the pool where the two boys were and dipped my toes in. Catching sight of me, my crush said, loud enough for everyone at the party to hear, "You...sent me...the most disgusting letter!"

Six years later, I showed up to his school's prom with a boy I'd grown up with, was practically my brother, but had also gotten very attractive. I don't mind mentioning I'd become a hottie as well, and was wearing a bright red fitted gown with plunging back. I hadn't seen most of the people at that school (I had gone to a private high school, away from all these neighborhood trolls), and I received many compliments, most notably from said crush. I was cool, and acted confused as to why he was even speaking to me, then proceeded to flash big smiles as my childhood buddy and I got silly on the dance floor.


Thursday, March 27, 2014

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Q & A With Ms. Grace

The following are a cross-section of actual questions I have been asked (some as recently as last week), the answers I gave or wish I had given. Actual answers will be in normal typeface, and time-reversal fantasy answers will be in italics.

On Prostitutes:

10 year-old: What's a prostitute for?
Me: Sad men.
10 year-old: Yeah but what are they?
Me: (Trying not to get fired) Women who get paid to be pretty. Er...no...
10 year-old: Models in magazines get paid, right? They have to be pretty too, right? Are they prostitutes?
Me: Actually prostitutes don't have to be pretty at all.
10 year-old: So why do they get money?
Me: Because people are lonely and sad.
10 year-old: Why don't they just take Prozac?
Me: Good question.

On Homosexuality:

55 year-old man: Why do girls want girlfriends?
Me: Why do you?
Man: 'Cause I'm a man.
Me: ...
Man: And because they're beautiful, inspiring creatures.
Me: ...
Man: Ohhhh.

20 year-old art student: Why are girls with short hair lesbians?
Me: You're asking two questions.
Student: All the girls with short hair at this school are lesbians. So why do lesbians have short hair?
Me: Not all girls with short hair are lesbians. Not all lesbians have short hair.
Student: Then why does everyone ask if I'm gay because I have short hair?
Me: Maybe you're too friendly?

On Women:

20-something man: Then she asked me to spank her, like requested it. Why do women fight domestic violence so much if they actually want to be punished?
Me: *Swung and missed.*
Me: Domestic violence is not a fetish, it's a CRIME.  If women want pain with their pleasure, they have the right to request it.

20-something man (different one): Why are women attracted to assholes?
Me: It's usually something else they're attracted to, like high testosterone levels or confidence.
Me: Are you asking why anyone bothered to have sex with you?

With Strangers:

Man on the street, to me: HOW MUCH? 'EY! 'EY! HOW MUCH?
Me: Well, it's like 7k for butt implants, so I'd wager it's around $200 for your castration.

Man on the street (different one): Wutup, snow bunny??
Me: Oh, nothin', just doing white girl stuff.

With Ex-Boyfriends:

Me: Please don't fuck her.
BF: Why not?
Me: Because I'm in love with you.
BF: Why would you say that?
Me: *dies inside*
Me: Because I have the ability to express emotions with words instead of my dick, you heartless piece of shit.

BF(different): (In a rage) Why do all the cute girls like bird-chested skinny-ass dudes?
Me: Um, not ALL of them, obviously...
BF: No, no, I mean the really cute girls.
Me: Maybe because there's a lesser chance of their getting physically overpowered in a fight, you monster.

Then: A coworker: Haha, what happened to you? He beating you again? Haha.
Me: ...
Him: Oh, shit.

Then: the E.R. doctor: Why are you so embarrassed to be here?
Me: Because there's so many other people worse off.
Doc: Not really. He came close. You are very lucky.

Then: His "bros": Why did you file a restraining order against him?
Me: Because he tried to kill me.
Them: Why did you stay with him so long then?
Me: Because I was trapped in my own home, malnourished, forcibly sleep-deprived, physically overpowered and threatened regularly, and surrounded by witnesses too cowardly to help or speak up or do anything other than step over my bleeding body and then testify against me in court.

Then: My best friend: Are you going to quit your job and everything now?
Me: No.
Her: But you're in bad shape, why not?
Me: Because he won't take THAT from me also.

With Another Young Woman:
She: Has anything ever happened to you that you swore would never happen to you?
Me: Yes.

She: Are you a feminist?
Me: Yes.
She: Do you hate men?
Me: No.

With Current Boyfriend:

Me: Do you think you could help me load more boxes into my car today?
BF: I will help you load boxes until I'm old and gray.

Me: Why do you have to be SO handsome all the time?
BF: 'Cause you're so beautiful all the time.

Me: Darling, I'm sick and shat the bed. Can you please not look or breathe in??
BF: Oh, whatever. It's not that big a deal. I'll take you to Patient First.
Me: Should I bring a towel for your car seat?
BF: *wipes my tears*

BF: I love watching this show with you.
Me: (first time) I love...you!
BF: Well, I love you!
Me: You DO??
BF: Duh!

A note: All of these conversations happened in very close language to that which I used here, otherwise were summed up to indicate actual tone and meaning. These conversations only represent one profound snippet of those longer conversations. Hopefully some people's minds have broadened, and I'm glad I didn't get a call from an angry parent. 

In my job I often have to act as a cultural diplomat for many different cultures than my own, and my responses, delivered on the spot, required a great amount of understanding of the larger sociopolitical constructs that confuse and alienate citizens of the world. When delivering enlightening information to someone hearing it for the first time, therefore, we should be sensitive and empathetic while indicating the local implications of the question itself. 

I'd also like to note that while I have had more than two terrible relationships, I have had many more wonderful ones like the one I enjoy now. This represents not only my ability to connect with many different kinds of people (even the horrible ones), but my ability to bounce back, to forgive myself and not blame entire bushels for one bad apple. I encourage others to do the same, and read this if you're ever unsure about someone you're with: http://www.wikihow.com/Identify-a-Psychopath

Here's to living bravely, sincerely, and compassionately.

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Monday, February 3, 2014

Memories of One Incarnation

David found God in the bottom of the sock drawer. His mother probably left Him there while she cleaned, years ago. One minute he was looking for matching gold-toes and there He was, curled up inside one of the ankle socks, purring away as He thought of floods and pomegranates. He winked one eye. He still had some life left in Him. David took Him out and held Him in the palm of his hand. After brushing some dust off Him, David began singing the only love song he'd ever memorized, "Leather and Lace" by Stevie Nicks and Don Henley. The Lord was touched. He nuzzled lovingly into David's hand as he sang.

David took God out into the world with him. He tried showing Him to people on the street, but an old woman smacked David with her umbrella and told him he ought to be ashamed of himself, treating the Lord that way.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

What to Eat

Seems like everyone's a foodie these days, or else you are an anti-foodie. Whatever gets you off is tickled by the following observations:

Snow White:

1. Don't be fooled by some hack cookbook writer who tells you you can cook if you only have too many eyes on your arms and not enough on your face. It simply will not work out.

Photo: Munchies
2. Eat donuts in excess only a few times a year. Then make food porn of it for the Internet to chomp on while you're in detox.

Photo: Don't u eat that!! #zappa
Yella Snow


Photo: ...five hours of this at $9/hr...would you?

 4. This book taught me that my breakfast cereal is a delicious, libido-enhancing way to start my day, with the knowledge that I am cool.

5. https://www.facebook.com/Nutella

Photo: I--I--just...!!

6. I wants to eat this with a spoon^