Sweet treats for the literary, the musical, the feminine, and the generally filthy.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Why Baltimore is Awesome Right Now

1. The LED Art Board.
Not that it needed it, but this project is putting our lil city on the map of best cities for art. It's a near-decade-long vision of artist Will Shanklin and features the art of Baltimore artists alongside the ads that make the whole project possible. It's a vision of beauty in the night sky overlooking 83 and the Station North Arts District. After you're done blowing your mind on it, you can see a show at Metro Gallery, get swank food at Chesapeake, Plaza Theatro, see a movie at the Charles Theatre or a play at Yellow Sign Theatre or the Chicken Box, or get coffee at Kanteen, a crepe at Sophie's Crepes, a burger and sundae at Lost City Diner, delicious Jamaican food at Caribbean Paradise or a drink at Club Charles, the Depot, (Gatsby's?), or drugs at the after-hours underworld 1722. There are links on the website to the artists' individual pages where you can view and buy their art. Check it out.
By Will Shanklin featuring yours truly as the space babe!

2. Fields Festival!
It's this weekend and I already have my bodypaint. I've only lived in the city a few years, but I don't remember anything like this happening. A ton of acts, the weird and the internationally-known, from our humble city will be performing in a campground that apparently also has lots of witch conferences. I long burned out of the big-name wannabe Woodstocks of my late teen years, but this festival feels like the real deal, ie. not a money-making scheme by big corporations or record companies, but a genuine effort to bring all of Baltimore's weirdos out in a big field together to play.

3. My Talented Friends.

For example, Carabella Sands who's always killing it, but is also heading up an offshoot project from the LED Art Board wherein artists are paired up with others to draw each others' portraits! It's happening tonight so I should have some good pictures by then to help fill this out.
Juliet by Carabella
Timmy by Carabella
Carabella by Bounge

Additionally, a new track from Bounge is up today! This is the musical project of Rebecca Drumm who is one of those Baltimore artists that works works works and you won't see her for weeks and then BOOM, she's got art coming out everywhere. This is the new track which you can download free: 

but then she is an amazing painter as well:

In short, I made the best decision of my life when I decided to move here.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

How To Make Him Wear A Condom

We've all been there: you meet him at a coffee shop where you've been admiring the way the tips of his ironic moustache dip into the foam of his cappuccino with every sip. He has a tattoo of a quill and pen on his forearm. He's been ostentatiously flashing the cover of Gravity's Rainbow and waxing loudass poetic to someone in his ear about the artistic integrity of the Pussycat Dolls. The eyes of the kittycat on his sleeveless T-shirt match his own, so you can't help but take him home. There's only one problem: he's a whiner when it comes to putting on a condom. He apparently trusts you so implicitly that he says he believes that you've been tested and that you're on the pill. How sweet. But is he only ironically trusting you? Can you ironically trust him back? No. No, clearly you can't trust anyone in this world, especially a luddite with a bluetooth phone. So how do you make sure the thing goes on, provided you're still going to allow this animal entrance to your sacred realm?

Here are some sure-fire ways to have him rollin' that thing on his rock-hard-on faster than you can say, "I think it goes on the other way."

Say:

1."You didn't think I was going to let you get off that easily, did you?"

2. "The condom will protect against teethmarks."

3. "It's Daddy's rules."

4. "I won't be able to feel when it goes in otherwise."

5. "All your friends are doing it."

6.  "But it's made from organic and locally-harvested latex!"*

7. "I dipped this one in molly."

8. "C'mon...it'll be like touching a kitten with doctor gloves."

9. "But what'll I use as a slingshot after?"

10. "But it would be cheating to tape an unused one in my scrapbook!"

11. "Bill Gates is counting on us."

12. "But I haven't had dinner yet, and this one's pho flavored!"**

13. "Don't worry...this one hasn't broken on me yet."

(K, but for real, STD's suck, and so does any guy who doesn't give a shit enough to protect YOU, even if he's resigned himself.)
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/contraception-guide/Pages/partner-wont-use-condoms.aspx


If the issue is that your run-of-the-mill condoms are well, just not designed with the consumer in mind, there are plenty of new products out there that are officially endorsed by SundaeGirl:

SmartWrap
Now he doesn't have to announce himself--this condom calculates thrust vs. velocity to give you an accurate ETA. Countdown feature optional, and customizable holding music! Choose from: The "Jeopardy" theme, "Eye of the Tiger," Chuck Mangione's Greatest Hits, Classic Cartoon Sound Effects, or upload your own straight from your iPhone!


                                         Days of the Week
                        Also available: That Time of the Month-flavored.


Snappit!

No more trying to rip open a plastic package with slippery hands!
Using the same technology as origami, and those beach towels you can never re-fold, this one will spring to action like a jack-in-the-box, or like other things that get sprung.


The Napoleon-chute

Inflates when you pull the cord to give him twice the girth!

The Lush
Each has been lovingly soaked in a Long Island iced tea.
Or:

The I Love the Nineties 
Remember slap bracelets?

**The Hipster
Pho-flavored, and each wrapper contains a link to a free download from Pitchfork.com.

*The Health Nut
Made with bee pollen, recycled Whole Foods green rubber bands, and ground kale. Recyclable.

The Germaphobe
Sprayed with Lysol on both sides, comes with sterile exam gloves and antibacterial wipes.

The Bondage Freak
Inspired by Chinese finger traps. Win a free car if you can get it off in under ten minutes!

The Arsonist
Patented formula interacts with body heat to self-combust at the moment of climax.

The Condom Formerly Known as Prince
Purple pleather with high ruffled collar.

Seasonal Favorites:

Spring: Cadbury Condom
Chocolate flavor outside, he provides the cream inside.

Summer: Cucumber Mint-flavored
Mint flavor outside, cucumber inside.

Fall: Pumpkin Spice-flavored
Contains a pheromone known to attract women.

Winter: The Stocking Stuffer
Him. That would be him.


This exists:



So does this: The Euro


THIS MAN ALSO EXISTS:



The Minor

The Egobooster (or shriveller)
The Stoner (Slip it on before it slips your mind!)

FOR MORE FUN

Condom wearing: Now with fewer excuses.







Monday, August 18, 2014

DO BETTER, AMERICA

I have to spill some thoughts on a couple of current issues that should outrage EVERYBODY. As Americans, we are receiving messages from other citizens as well as the authorities that black teenagers and women do not have the same rights on the streets as white people and men.

There are indications that what we wear and how we dress in some way gives others the right to harass, molest, assault, or kill people. It's an ancient type of American fear: women who call attention to themselves by being too intellectual, too physically attractive, or simply occupying space at a certain time of day have been shamed, prosecuted, and killed publicly; black teenagers who wear clothing at a certain angle, walk with a certain gait, or again occupy space at a specific time are being stopped and gunned down in a shower of bullets. 

There are precedents set for this type of fear that explain but do not excuse the heavy-handed reaction to the so-called provocations. For example, the pop-culture smear of young black men dating back to slave-era was essentially white men's fear that their power would be challenged; in short, the fear of mutiny through physical violence or by procreating with white women. Young black men were dehumanized, though these fears (of their violent oppression being challenged and the blood of the white race being "tainted") are so ancient and reptilian that the so-called "civilized" white men were really just showing their true colors (so to speak.) Who really ends up looking like the big, dumb, animals? (To say nothing of the bull that escaped a slaughterhouse in Baltimore this summer, and while apparently peacefully trotting through the city, was gunned down by police in a shower of bullets in a civilian-populated area.) The war on women is equally as ancient, pretty much dating back to the days of Christianity when the Bible was widely interpreted to suggest that God was a man, who had a son who would save everyone's soul from the sins of a woman who corrupted men. In America, women who were curious or in any way stepped outside of the oppressive normative behavior required them by the men in charge could be killed.

While the events in Ferguson, MO are alarming to say the least, I am anxious for more actual facts to come to light. We need more information from the protestors, because as we know, just about every media outlet is owned by special-interest groups tied to powerful politicians or corporations. However, it does not diminish the need for the country to DEMAND that police be held responsible for their actions. (Editorial: Maybe we need to stop letting all the dumb jock high school dropouts swing their dicks around with impunity?) Based on America's history, I find it more likely that the police are panicking and over-reacting to peaceful protests (especially incriminating is their denial of media coverage and threats to those peacefully documenting), but that does not mean it is impossible that a few protestors have broken off from the peaceful crowd and instigated violence, thereby negating the righteousness of their cause. Of course, protestors will speak loudly to defend the cause, saying no one threw anything, therefore the escalation of the police response, ie. the rubber bullets, is entirely unjust. And of course the police will respond by saying they were provoked in such a way as to increase the severity of their response. Of course, of course. So everyone's saying exactly what they should be saying, and everyone is weighing in exactly as they ought to. We are quick to judge, quick to condemn, quick to defend. So if you don't want to hear the enflamed rhetoric of people on either side, howsabout we not engage commenters by using perhaps soon-to-be-discredited facts or allegations to prove this or that, or else we end up playing into our own stereotypes, and our society progresses to an absolute zero, stalemate game. Instead, let's continue to READ READ READ, watch the videos, spread information not opinions. An 18 year-old boy or man, depending on which side is speaking, is dead, and we need people to do their jobs properly to find out why, and what steps need to be taken to halt this trend.

It makes me angry when protestors loot and throw rocks, but it doesn't surprise me. In every mob, no matter how righteous the cause or seemingly united the group, there will always be a few whose greed and selfishness take over. It is those few who should be punished, NOT the cause, and not the others who are still non-violently protesting. People lose focus in a mob, which often becomes its own animal with its own set of unpredictable behaviors. But without our numbers, we cannot effect change as quickly.

It makes me angry too when we fail to defend and protect each other from injustice by spreading it ourselves. I'm going to shift my scope from public news to my own personal experience, because in the end that's what I have when it comes to the question of gender. We've been seeing a lot of attention paid to the issue of street harassment, and it's incredibly liberating to see so many people of BOTH genders finally addressing this. A friend posted this article on his facebook page that urges men to be active rather than passive bystanders to street harassment. The most common reaction I get from my male friends when I relate my latest story of street harassment is, "Do they actually think that will work?" Meaning, do the harassers think this is the way to have sex with a woman? But it almost *never* feels sexually-charged to me, rather it feels like being bullied at school when someone pushes you against a locker and speaks into your face at close-range. That behavior could also appear sexually-charged if it were between genders, but somehow we know it's not. 

Intimidation comes in many forms that often do not include overt physical contact. We're taught in sexual harassment education courses at work and school that sexual harassment is a blanket term that includes many different types of behavior ranging from the non-verbal to unwanted physical contact. This street harassment is an intimidation method, which again stems from fear. These men have a psychological problem, and they are taking it out on others, just like your bully from school who was probably under great emotional stress at home and was displacing his aggression and anger onto classmates. 

(Editorial: this is why I think the whole anti-bully initiative should focus on, perhaps, anti-CHILD ABUSE which is often what produces bullies to begin with!! Hitting your child is not RAISING your child, and should be a prosecutable offense. I heard a women outside the library today bitching about how a shop owner told her she could not threaten her child in the store, and how she responded, "Lemme tell YOU somethin, how I raise my child..."blah blah blah. I've heard parents say, "It worked for me, it works for my kids!" But what about the maxim that violence indicates a failure of words? Or in the case of child-raising with which I admittedly have no experience, perhaps a failure of boundary-setting or consequence-education? When we resort to violence, we exhibit animal tendencies, which triggers a whole series of animal-like behaviors in children who are learning from us how to treat others. We have access to faculties that negate the need for physical violence, so why don't we f--ing USE them?)

Men need to be watchdogs for each other, and call each other out on this kind of behavior: "It does not make you more manly. No one else is impressed. You are making a fool of yourself and your gender." We should be celebrating the men who speak out against this, who are using their historically-bestowed power in society to take steps towards gender equality, just as white people with their inherited power should be using it to take steps towards racial equality. Positive reenforcement. Works with kids, works with your pets, works with adults.

Women also need to be supporters of each other. I was confused then disappointed when a female writer I was complimenting then asked me, "Is that sexy dress you're wearing working?" Confused, I responded in my usual sassy Mae West voice, "Honey, it's workin' overtime!" But that's not what she meant, so she persisted: "Is it getting the desired reaction? Who are you wearing it for?" and then I met her with a steely gaze and said, "Myself. I'm wearing it to feel good, because I like how it looks on me and how it makes me feel, and I'm wearing it because it makes me feel good." Turned out I had been in conversation with a man she herself desired, and that's how she was handling herself, at 40-some years old. Grow up, bitch. 

And grow up America. Use your words. Don't hit. Don't bully. Find a passion. Take care of your people. Read books. Develop empathy. Do better.


Thursday, July 10, 2014

Paris, July 2014

"Safety Locks"

She waits in the trunk so
she doesn't have to watch
the animals
rip him to pieces.

"Peterson, North Dakota"

I'm fifty years old and married
for now; no one will hire
a master.

"My Friend"

When they finally pried him off of me,
he left a hickey
and his legs were still moving.

"Paris"

Where rich husbands take
their wives for collagen, silk,
and temper tantrums.

"Backstroke"

A fly frogswam
in my red and died
on the spoon, but I let
the petal float.

"The Rule"

I forgot my umbrella;
I didn't think I'd be wet.

"Sparkler Dessert"

Tonight is everyone's birthday;
the waiters are pissed.

"Resting Paris Face"

I have never seen a girl
wearing a bow on her head
look so angry.

"Amsterdam"

Women are moving behind glass
the old men tapping
smiles like rotted corn.

"Exile"

Bottles clutter the beach.
I read and record every message.


Thursday, June 5, 2014

Humiliation Story #1

I had a crush on a boy in elementary school for several years. He was blonde, blue-eyed and freckled. He was always cracking jokes and doing silly voices. When I confessed to my best friend that I had it bad, she developed a crush on him too, and we began competing.

She eventually began to like his best friend better. His best friend liked her back, and in fifth grade they wanted to go on a date. But because that was still a scary, potentially embarrassing and tricky-with-parents prospect, they secretly convinced the boy I liked to ask me out, so they wouldn't be alone. On the last day of school, the boys approached my friend and I and asked if we wanted to go see a movie. Then they asked what movie we'd like to see. My stomach lurched, because unlike these latchkey kids, I wasn't yet allowed to see PG-13 movies. I was not 13 yet, and my mom would research online even the PG-rated movies I wanted to see. My friend responded immediately, "Lost World, Lost World, Lost World," referring to the "Jurassic Park" sequel that had just come out. I kicked the dirt and said I wasn't going to be allowed to see that, could we pick another? But no. So they went.

I went to figure skating camp for most of the summer, not knowing they had already gone on this date without me. I was just thrilled that I had finally "gotten" my crush. As far as I was concerned, he was now my boyfriend. So I wrote him a letter from camp, expressing my excitement that he liked me, that I had liked him for a long time, and that when I got back from camp we should hang out. I never got a letter back, but then most kids didn't write letters to each other. It was a bold, adult move for me.

When I got home from camp, one of the kids from school had a summer pool party. My best friend was going, as were the two boys. Since my crush hadn't written back, I determined to play it cool, just show up in a sexy-for-middle-school bikini, act fun and hopefully get my first kiss.

I walked over to the pool where the two boys were and dipped my toes in. Catching sight of me, my crush said, loud enough for everyone at the party to hear, "You...sent me...the most disgusting letter!"

Six years later, I showed up to his school's prom with a boy I'd grown up with, was practically my brother, but had also gotten very attractive. I don't mind mentioning I'd become a hottie as well, and was wearing a bright red fitted gown with plunging back. I hadn't seen most of the people at that school (I had gone to a private high school, away from all these neighborhood trolls), and I received many compliments, most notably from said crush. I was cool, and acted confused as to why he was even speaking to me, then proceeded to flash big smiles as my childhood buddy and I got silly on the dance floor.

Victory.


Thursday, March 27, 2014