Sundae Girl: How To Make Him Wear A Condom

We've all been there: you meet him at a coffee shop where you've been admiring the way the tips of his ironic moustache dip into the foam of his cappuccino with every sip. He has a tattoo of a quill and pen on his forearm. He's been ostentatiously flashing the cover of Gravity's Rainbow and waxing loudass poetic to someone in his ear about the artistic integrity of the Pussycat Dolls. The eyes of the kittycat on his sleeveless T-shirt match his own, so you can't help but take him home. There's only one problem: he's a whiner when it comes to putting on a condom. He apparently trusts you so implicitly that he says he believes that you've been tested and that you're on the pill. How sweet. But is he only ironically trusting you? Can you ironically trust him back? No. No, clearly you can't trust anyone in this world, especially a luddite with a bluetooth phone. So how do you make sure the thing goes on, provided you're still going to allow this animal entrance to your sacred realm?

Here are some sure-fire ways to have him rollin' that thing on his rock-hard-on faster than you can say, "I think it goes on the other way."

Say:

1."You didn't think I was going to let you get off that easily, did you?"

2. "The condom will protect against teethmarks."

3. "It's Daddy's rules."

4. "I won't be able to feel when it goes in otherwise."

5. "All your friends are doing it."

6. "But it's made from organic and locally-harvested latex!"*

7. "I dipped this one in molly."

8. "C'mon...it'll be like touching a kitten with doctor gloves."

9. "But what'll I use as a slingshot after?"

10. "But it would be cheating to tape an unused one in my scrapbook!"

11. "Bill Gates is counting on us."

12. "But I haven't had dinner yet, and this one's pho flavored!"**

13. "Don't worry...this one hasn't broken on me yet."

(K, but for real, STD's suck, and so does any guy who doesn't give a shit enough to protect YOU, even if he's resigned himself.)
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/contraception-guide/Pages/partner-wont-use-condoms.aspx

If the issue is that your run-of-the-mill condoms are well, just not designed with the consumer in mind, there are plenty of new products out there that are officially endorsed by SundaeGirl:

SmartWrap
Now he doesn't have to announce himself--this condom calculates thrust vs. velocity to give you an accurate ETA. Countdown feature optional, and customizable holding music! Choose from: The "Jeopardy" theme, "Eye of the Tiger," Chuck Mangione's Greatest Hits, Classic Cartoon Sound Effects, or upload your own straight from your iPhone!

Days of the Week

Also available: That Time of the Month-flavored.

Snappit!

No more trying to rip open a plastic package with slippery hands!

Using the same technology as origami, and those beach towels you can never re-fold, this one will spring to action like a jack-in-the-box, or like other things that get sprung.

The Napoleon-chute

Inflates when you pull the cord to give him twice the girth!

The Lush

Each has been lovingly soaked in a Long Island iced tea.

Or:

The I Love the Nineties

Remember slap bracelets?

**The Hipster
Pho-flavored, and each wrapper contains a link to a free download from Pitchfork.com.

*The Health Nut
Made with bee pollen, recycled Whole Foods green rubber bands, and ground kale. Recyclable.

The Germaphobe
Sprayed with Lysol on both sides, comes with sterile exam gloves and antibacterial wipes.

The Bondage Freak
Inspired by Chinese finger traps. Win a free car if you can get it off in under ten minutes!

The Arsonist
Patented formula interacts with body heat to self-combust at the moment of climax.

The Condom Formerly Known as Prince
Purple pleather with high ruffled collar.

Seasonal Favorites:

Spring: Cadbury Condom
Chocolate flavor outside, he provides the cream inside.

Summer: Cucumber Mint-flavored
Mint flavor outside, cucumber inside.

Fall: Pumpkin Spice-flavored
Contains a pheromone known to attract women.

Winter: The Stocking Stuffer
Him. That would be him.

This exists: